ATTENTION SUSPECTS:

Please read the following in its entirety prior to asking any questions.

You are under arrest AND:

1.   NO, I don't know who you are.
2.   NO, I don't care where you work.
3.   YES, you do pay my salary.
4.   YES, you can have my job.
5.   NO, I don't have anything better to do.
6.  YES, I arrest real criminals sometimes.
7.   NO, I'm not picking on you because you are ______.
8.   NO, I can't give you a break.
9.   NO, I don't know your friend, Officer _____.
10.  YES, you will be allowed to make a phone call.
11.  YES, I am sure you will never do it again.
12.  NO, we can't talk about it.
13.  YES, it does make me happy.
14.  YES, you will see me in court.